Dear Congressman

Dear Congressman,

Please spend DOUBLE of all the money I pay in federal taxes each year. You can just borrow the other half, after all interest rates are at record lows as issued by decree of Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve. As I understand you and all the people who couldn’t predict the housing collapse assure me that everything will be fine. Thank you for this and making me feel secure.

I understand that it is slightly harder to find something to cut than it is to just go ahead and continue to spend other people’s money. Just forget trying to cut anything at all, it will be much easier. Thank you also for scaring me into believing that it’s dangerous for the government not to spend more and more each year.

Hopefully your free gym membership, free parking at airports, the right to legally insider trade, and the ability to set your own salary will reduce some of your stress during these discussions.

You and your brethren often talk about moving forward and a better future for our children. I am so glad you guys say these things while accumulating eye popping amounts of debt each year. That debt will no doubt be passed on to the kids. This is great because they will have to suffer for the mess we created and with a little luck and some can kicking there is a slight chance I may get to avoid the worst of it. It's a risk I'm willing to take. Even though everyone takes a pill of some kind or another in this country, I really don’t want to have to swallow this one. Your lies make this smooth over for me. THANK YOU!

If you ever do come to a point where you actually make some cuts, please avoid my income level, any government services that I use, and any future benefits that I’m supposed to receive. HAHAHAH, I know, I know… It will never happen, but just in case I’m attaching my information with my letter. I’m entrusting that you will do this for me even though I can’t afford a lobbyist, so the best I can do is hope you don’t get re-elected if you do not agree.

Well, that about wraps it up for now. Stay strong!

-StingingNettle

PS. If you could guarantee me a job that pays well and is hard to get fired from that would be awesome!